Before you read this post, let's get one thing straight. I'm single, and for now I'm happy that way. I'm not searching for a husband, I'm just making friends with all sorts of girls and guys around me as I wait for God to bring me the right guy. I'm satisfied with where I'm at now.
But I just want to blog about something I experience as a 23-year old single, something that for me (and others I'm sure) kind of amplifies the struggles I sometimes have. For those of you who are single, you'll know what I mean when I say you have good days, and sometimes you have bad days where you just feel alien, lonely and like "life has passed you by", to quote a Jars of Clay song I love. These, for me, are mere lapses in what is normally a calm, focused, fulfilled life. But the lapses can be painful, and some things sting more than others.
This is one of them.
It goes like this. Rachel makes friends with another Girl her age (it has only happened with girls so far...), Rachel and Girl get along really well and regularly catch up for coffee, meals etc. One day, Girl meets Guy and falls in love with him. Rachel and Girl still get along well, but of course Girl has less time to catch up since she's spending heaps of time with Guy. Rachel doesn't mind, she understands. Then Girl and Guy decide to get married. Rachel's really excited for them! Rachel helps out and fusses over dresses, flowers and so on for a while until she realises she hardly catches up with Girl any more. But she understands, because Girl is getting married. She's busy...
Girl get's married to Guy, and they go away for a while. They come back, and Rachel thinks it's all going to be like it was before, but it's not. It's really different. Girl doesn't really seem interested in catching up with Rachel any more; instead, Girl invites other married couples over for tea all the time. If Rachel meets Girl in the street, they'll say hi, but after a few sentences it feels like they no longer have anything in common. Eventually neither hears from the other, and Rachel realises that the same thing has happened... again.
[Don't get me wrong. I'm not bitter or jealous or anything like that. In fact, I'm always happy when I see friends get married. I decided to blog about this because I'm sure it is not just me who notices this trend - I'm sure there are many other singles out there who wonder what has happened to their friends.]
Single people are the ones who most need healthy friendships with people of all ages and marital statuses. Why, then, are we so often ostracized, increasing our feelings of alienation? Why does marriage mean I have to lose close friends? I am sure this is not the way it was meant to be. I'm sure that married people were meant to help single people (since they should know what it's like to be single), and to set an example of what single people will aspire to in their marriage (should they get married at all, that is). But more often than not, I find that once people get married, they lose their heart for singles, and deprive them of much needed support and mentoring. Actually, they deprive themselves of something as well, since singles have a lot to teach married people.
What is behind this? Do people who get married all of a sudden think they're in a different class to everyone else? Do they feel like they just can't relate to a single any more? Perhaps they are afraid of making a single guest in their home feel uncomfortable or left out.
What reasons do you see as being behind this phenomenon?
My solution so far? Just find other singles who are hiding around the place and befriend them. I'm yet to break open this barrier in my old friends (all but one couple, who still relate to me in the same way they did when they were single). Of course, this means that most of my friends seem to be a few years younger than me, but what the heck. My other strategy is to hang on to the friendships I have with the few remaining singles I went through school with, even though most of them live out of town. They make me feel normal again :)
Labels: friendship, hospitality, marriage, relationships, singleness
These are the salt-and-pepper-shakers I was given at my friends' wedding today. Aren't they cute? I've never seen ones like these before.
