Aliens among you
Before you read this post, let's get one thing straight. I'm single, and for now I'm happy that way. I'm not searching for a husband, I'm just making friends with all sorts of girls and guys around me as I wait for God to bring me the right guy. I'm satisfied with where I'm at now.But I just want to blog about something I experience as a 23-year old single, something that for me (and others I'm sure) kind of amplifies the struggles I sometimes have. For those of you who are single, you'll know what I mean when I say you have good days, and sometimes you have bad days where you just feel alien, lonely and like "life has passed you by", to quote a Jars of Clay song I love. These, for me, are mere lapses in what is normally a calm, focused, fulfilled life. But the lapses can be painful, and some things sting more than others.
This is one of them.
It goes like this. Rachel makes friends with another Girl her age (it has only happened with girls so far...), Rachel and Girl get along really well and regularly catch up for coffee, meals etc. One day, Girl meets Guy and falls in love with him. Rachel and Girl still get along well, but of course Girl has less time to catch up since she's spending heaps of time with Guy. Rachel doesn't mind, she understands. Then Girl and Guy decide to get married. Rachel's really excited for them! Rachel helps out and fusses over dresses, flowers and so on for a while until she realises she hardly catches up with Girl any more. But she understands, because Girl is getting married. She's busy...
Girl get's married to Guy, and they go away for a while. They come back, and Rachel thinks it's all going to be like it was before, but it's not. It's really different. Girl doesn't really seem interested in catching up with Rachel any more; instead, Girl invites other married couples over for tea all the time. If Rachel meets Girl in the street, they'll say hi, but after a few sentences it feels like they no longer have anything in common. Eventually neither hears from the other, and Rachel realises that the same thing has happened... again.
[Don't get me wrong. I'm not bitter or jealous or anything like that. In fact, I'm always happy when I see friends get married. I decided to blog about this because I'm sure it is not just me who notices this trend - I'm sure there are many other singles out there who wonder what has happened to their friends.]
Single people are the ones who most need healthy friendships with people of all ages and marital statuses. Why, then, are we so often ostracized, increasing our feelings of alienation? Why does marriage mean I have to lose close friends? I am sure this is not the way it was meant to be. I'm sure that married people were meant to help single people (since they should know what it's like to be single), and to set an example of what single people will aspire to in their marriage (should they get married at all, that is). But more often than not, I find that once people get married, they lose their heart for singles, and deprive them of much needed support and mentoring. Actually, they deprive themselves of something as well, since singles have a lot to teach married people.
What is behind this? Do people who get married all of a sudden think they're in a different class to everyone else? Do they feel like they just can't relate to a single any more? Perhaps they are afraid of making a single guest in their home feel uncomfortable or left out.
What reasons do you see as being behind this phenomenon?
My solution so far? Just find other singles who are hiding around the place and befriend them. I'm yet to break open this barrier in my old friends (all but one couple, who still relate to me in the same way they did when they were single). Of course, this means that most of my friends seem to be a few years younger than me, but what the heck. My other strategy is to hang on to the friendships I have with the few remaining singles I went through school with, even though most of them live out of town. They make me feel normal again :)
Labels: friendship, hospitality, marriage, relationships, singleness
posted by Rachel @ 8:19 pm
9 comments
9 Comments:
Are you talking specifically about Christian couples? Because I reckon it's particularly a big thing in a lot of Christian circles. It seems a bit like people think they've somehow reached completeness once married, and are above hanging out with singles anymore or something. (Basically i think it's because marriage has become part of a purity system that decides who's in and who's out - much like the Pharisees' purity system.)
Like, hello! Welcome to my world :P
There are fantastic things about being single. I am actually at a point where I am rather content with being single, I have a freedom I didn't before, and also, in a sense, a real spiritual freedom.
I definately identify with what you have said. Something I never thought would happen but did, is when I became single, friendships around me seemed to change. It was difficult to go to church when there is such a high value on couples, and I felt a little looked down upon because I was suddenly single, and wanted to be. I feel like now, I don't relate to the people I used to as well. In that it has been painful to see some friendships fade, but it has also being exciting to meet with other christians in my situation, and really get to know them, and find out that I'm not so different after all. I think it comes down to a bit of: What are our values and what are our motives?
I was actually thinking about this in the car on the way home just before. I wondered what it would be like to be single for the rest of my days, just serving God. I would be content with that, but part of me does want to get married and have kids! We'll see what God does.
As for having friends younger than you - I may be a few years younger, but I have found that the older I get, the more this doesnt seem to matter, because we're all adults. Claire is 25, but it seems like she's 19 or something. :P
/rant
oh, and read 1 cor 7 - food for thought
This is really funny, because I've always felt the same way - but I'm in a relationship (4 years 7 months and counting :P).
It seemed like I had heaps of friends, but as soon as I had a boyfriend nobody wanted anything to do with me. One of the most painful things was a group of single girls who all went out for dinner together one Valentines Day and I (of course) was not invited!
It's better now than it was then, and funnily enough it might be because my friends also aren't the same age! Something we try very hard to do in our relationship is to eliminate the "weird factor" and I like to think we achieve it. We both try and make time for our other friends, and people don't feel weird to be around us as a couple because we're not all PDA or involved in our couple-talk 24-7. People are quite happy to invite me or him places without the other having to tag along all the time.
So yeah, in my very humble opinion it is not all the fault of the couples (though often this is the case). I would like to see singles making the effort, as well as couples making the effort. As for married peoples, why should that be any different once you get over your little 'honeymoon stage'? Granted, your priorities change (that's Biblical), but your old ones shouldn't be eliminated completely, surely?
Good comments Steff. And can I say I appreciate the way you and Stoz conduct yourselves - you set a great example for others :) Well done.
Oh- and..
Chris: Now that I think about it, most of the people I'm talking about are Christians, which makes the whole thing even worse...
Sammy: I agree, there's heaps of great things about being single! I'm loving it personally... I just think we need to raise awareness of how singles feel so that others will consider those who are struggling (besides, I think all of us do struggle at some point).
I only found this blog recently (through Trav's list of blogs :)).
I too have noticed this 'trend' (and with blokes too ;)). Sometimes, I can't help but wonder if these situations, where folk don't interact with others is sometimes a 'defense' mechanism. In that, one fears the other will stop loving them if they continue to interact with others (I mean, if you were stuck in a room with only one person - you'd learn to get along pretty well too!). So perhaps people see this and try to absorb as much time with someone as possible.
Might not be too likely, but perhaps it does happen.
I want to also echo what Rachel has said about Stoz and Steff. I completely admire how you guys conduct yourselves. If only more relationships were like that!
I also wanted to add my opinion on PDAs. I think they can become too much of an 'ownership' thing, and not a true reflection of the feelings one holds for another - which makes me question ones motives. (A little off topic though, sorry)
I must admit, the relationships that I respect the most, are those which I see the least. By that I mean, the relationships where the couple aren't constantly staring / touching each other or telling the other how much they love them in front of everyone.
Sorry, what are PDAs?
(I'm so naive.)
PDA - Public Displays of Affection.
Or Personal Digital Assistant.
Take your pick ;)
Post a Comment
<< Home